Satirical Jesting with them crackpots

The benefits of marrying an Indon

2011-08-05T23:21:00.002+08:00

Ok wedding news. I have discussed with the Fiance and we both agree to purchase instead of just renting our outfits for our solemnisation. On my most recent trip to Jakarta, I have amassed a sizable collection of wedding magazines. Night after night of flipping thru said mags, I am pretty much convinced that the malay wedding industry in Singapore is a thousand, if not, a million steps away from theirs.

For my wedding reception in Indonesia, I almost wanted to have my mak andam in Singapore to fly over and do my wedding in Indonesia too. But WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!!! Now I want my make up artist, designers and wedding planner from Indonesia to come fly in to Singapore and help me plan my wedding here. The wedding favors, invitation cards, wedding decor and almost everything else was leaps and bounds ahead of what we have here. Oh why can't we have BOTH weddings in Indonesia.

Anyhoos, I wanted a simple white kebaya for our solemnisation and these godly creations from Ferry Sunarto, a designer based in Bandung (!!!), are to die for. And yes, a typical Indon celebrity wedding, this is. But look at that kebaya. I want that!!! No, no... I NEED THAT!

Love the details on the back!!! Here's a couple more from another designer Goddess, Anne Avantie.

2011-07-08T23:52:00.000+08:00

Ya Allah, if I could give up half of my life just so my mum could live the rest of her life without any pain, I would. I really would.

U can't stop it once it starts.

2011-07-01T07:26:00.000+08:00

I bruised my arm. No idea how that happened. But when I was a kid, whenever I bruised, and since bruises shows up easily on my fair skin, I would instinctively say that my father wasn’t the cause of the bruise. Even when nobody asked.

In my family, we are taught to lie from a very young age.

Of needles and threads...

2011-07-01T07:11:00.000+08:00

Now that struck a nerve, didn’t it? Now on to happier things. I recently purchased a basic sewing machine despite not being able to even sew a button on right. I have since learnt a lot from youtube and other various sources on the internet. I’ve made plans to take sewing classes in September and although these classes are gonna cost me a bomb, I am still psyched at the thought of making my own dresses, something which I have been buying a lot of, lately. I hand sew a mid-length maxi skirt a few days ago (didn’t have a sewing machine then) and despite the messy stitches, I had a rough vision of what the skirt would look like if I had the help of a sewing machine.

My first sewing machine. In fact the first ever sewing machine in my house. I come from a generation of working women who each had a career of her own. I am very proud of that fact.

It gets personal.

2011-07-01T02:47:00.000+08:00

A long time ago, 16 years to be exact, my little cousin broke my favourite mirror and since I was only 10 then, I ran to mommy and showed her what happened. The raucous angered my father so much that he gave me a slap across my face and a couple more blows which I couldn’t remember cause after years of being manhandled by my father, I can no longer tell apart between a slap and a punch or a shove and a kick. It all spells out pain to me. What was significant about that day wasn’t the amount of hits I received but was his words that hovered over me till today. “Sejak kau dilahirkan sampai sekarang, kau anak sial. Anak sueh!” In English, it basically meant I was a child that brought him nothing but bad luck and misfortune since my birth. He then went on to reiterate the car he had to give up, the job he lost and the financial struggles our family went through at that point of time. And it was all because of me. My birth had brought on such dire consequences to him and the rest of my family. Mummy was the ONLY sole breadwinner that I can remember for a long time to come. My father was unemployed most of his life.

You would think that these are only words spoken in an outburst of anger. Words that do not carry any weight. But few days after, my father brought me to the clinic and I had my first (which I could remember) blood extraction done. I remembered the doctor asking my father the purpose of the blood test and I remembered my father saying it was for a personal reason. But I guess the doctor knew. My father wanted to know if I was indeed his. And I knew that too, despite being only 10.

My father wasn’t always unkind to me. There are moments when he bragged about my academic achievements to friends and family and I believed I was the favourite child. But that was all I ever was. I was just a bragging right. Cause my father, he is a proud man.

I would go on further but these are the kind of things nobody wants to talk about. Everyone has a painful story to tell. And this is mine.

Hello again.

2011-06-30T01:25:00.000+08:00

The engagement affair was a small, cheery event despite the many hiccups along the way. (Mak andam is the best I could ever ask for!! She rocks!) Wedding has been brought forward to 4 months earlier than the original date (which I promise to announce at year end). My man had a birthday 3 days ago and obviously, I was not there to smash his face in a birthday cake like I did last year. (Haha. Gd times, gd times.)

I do realize I am not a very good blog keeper nor am I the most expressive writer. But this blog shall remain. Probably half-filled still but with a little bit more of my emotions fused in this cold white space. Let’s get more personal from here on, shall we?

2011-04-19T21:38:00.001+08:00

General Election on my engagement day. That's not gonna stop us.

2011-04-18T12:03:00.012+08:00

5 days ago, I am where I am now. In a plane. waiting for take-off. A group of teenagers probably on their maiden trip with friends were seated just behind me. They infected me with their enthusiasm and I remembered feeling just as excited as they were despite this being my xth no of trips. Alone.

Then as I retrieved my bags from the carousel, I spotted a single red bag moving along the belt, uncollected. Maybe even abandoned. Quelling my unreasonable need to run thru customs to see his face, I told myself I am not abandoned. I am not alone. And I am not that single red bag.

Soekarno-Hatta's arrival hall was filled with a sea of faces and a symphony of voices. But none were comforting nor familiar to me. Feeling like a ridiculous lost child I turned to my left and there it was. The face I wanted to see. I am no longer abandoned. Cause I, too, have been collected.

So here I am. 5 amazing days on. As the cabin crew began their now-familiar safety drills, I have a flash of what my future will be like. Choosing to be with him means booking single seat on the airplane, lone walks through customs, heaving heavy luggage on my own and having only my own hands to clutch should the plane hits turbulence. Choosing him means having to wander thru many unfamiliar airports and trying to make sense of every unfamiliar custom regulations. Alone.

My plane is about to take off now. I have an irrepressible sudden need to cry. I am going home. This is the saddest I have been to leave a country that is not my own.As I pen this down, it hits me. I am willing to go thru the most stringent custom checks, hauled along the heaviest bags, waltz thru the longest/shortest, smallest/biggest, darkest/brightest airports and endure the worst turbulence... Just to get to where he's at. For the first time in my life, and I never thought I would say this, I am unconditionally in love with a man whose life is as important to me as my own.

I, Nur Fadhillah M G, who has never been so sure until now, am in love. So Mr Ifwalmi Nasution, I am answering you once again, Yes. Yes I will marry you. A million times over.

Love,
Nur Fadhillah M G, herewith also known as the future Nur Fadhillah Nasution.

2011-04-06T00:54:00.005+08:00

A week from now I would have my man physically next to me. Not just hearing his voice on the phone nor seeing his face in the computer screen. I would have him. To hold.

A year ago when we talked about the possibility of us being in a long distance relationship, he expressed more concern than I did. He was going away for a reason that will benefit us both in the future and my momma taught me to never hold a man back from what he really wants to do. I am taking this temporary distance between us rather well. But on some days, I wished he was here for me to perfect my figure four leg lock wrestle mania style. (we are animalistic, like that.)

So 6 days more till I get to smack one tight ass. Psyched!!!

2011-03-28T16:04:00.004+08:00

So I have finally chosen an outfit for the engagement affair. The chosen mak andam is really my kinda people. Meaning to say, she too understands why a girl like me can never have flowers in my hair. So she rocks! A month more before my final fitting and if Life continues to be kind to me, I would have lost a couple more kgs on top of the 4 kgs I have lost since she last took my dress measurements.

I have been putting off a few minor purchases for the engagement affair and I really think its high time I head over to Ikea and get things done.

On another note, the man faces an important exam today and I really hope he does well enough to make the temporary distance between us worth it. I miss him. More than I thought I would.

2011-03-17T21:15:00.003+08:00

Gonna go catch a movie. Really wish I am with my man right now. On a brighter note, it is less than 4 weeks till I get to pinch his butt again. Ok not really.

Gave in to one of my (many) cravings today...

2011-03-06T03:04:00.006+08:00

Koka's Low Fat Non fried instant noodle in curry (above pic is in spicy sesame chicken flavor which I have yet to try) is surprisingly gratifying. Not quite like good old Maggi, but it has an interesting chewy like texture to its noodle. I kinda like it, for now.

Being on diet sucks. I am never one who exercises portion control or counts calories. So this new lifestyle is taking its toll on me. I do, however, like the almost daily morning/evening runs. I forgot how liberating it feels after a good run and I don't remember why I even stopped running a year back.

My cravings for fried food have considerably lessened. I have found some great alternatives to meat. Eating a handful of chickpeas makes me momentarily forget about having a juicy fat marbled steak. Hot drinks will make me feel a lot fuller than cold drink does. An orange satisfies my sweet tooth. The smell of my cocoa scented body butter satiates part of my chocolate cravings.

I do not want this to be a part of another diet phase. I really hope that this time, it will become a part of my lifestyle. And I really hope to get smaller thighs soon.

Really soon.

2011-03-05T04:15:00.002+08:00

Not a good idea to think a little bit of mindless internet surfing would eventually put you to bed. Especially when watching Nigella Lawson on YouTube. Cause now I am very awake, salivating and ravenous. Shall.Resist.The.Kitchen.

On another note, made a sound decision to change my Mak Andam for the engagement affair. 1st meeting with the new Mak Andam next sat and I have till then to pray she really is as good as her portfolio appears to be and she has the patience of a nun to work on me, as some of us already know, I can't sit still for more than 15 secs.

The man is, surprisingly, as involved in the preparations albeit the distance. A good 2 hours conversation through Yahoo Messenger (skype was being a heinous bitch) pretty much settled things. My initial idea of a white and blue candy bar is going to be a white and chocolate chocolate bar. I am almost more excited about the chocolate bar than I am about the whole affair itself.

Almost.

2011-02-24T16:36:00.002+08:00

A little less than 6 weeks before I get to see my man again. It has been difficult planning an engagement party and a wedding without him but since I am part human and part android, I am coping :)

I would love to share some unorthodox food ideas for both the wedding and engagement affair but since I am on diet right now, I have programmed my Internet to show pictures of decaying teeth and foot rot whenever I google food.

Apple of my eyes...

2011-02-17T21:43:00.004+08:00

Love these. Such simplicity. Centerpiece ideas for the Engagement affair.

Credits: Here

Hair

2011-02-16T16:08:00.003+08:00

Credits: Here and Here.

2011-02-16T15:50:00.002+08:00

I know I've said I do not want to make a big deal for my engagement party. The initial plan was to not engage a full service mak andam for the event. But thanks to google and my sudden obssesion for make up, I am once again swayed.

Oh but I am only human!

2011-02-16T06:55:00.002+08:00

Planning a wedding to someone who is currently a plane ride away from you can be pretty daunting. As much as I love the liberty to pick my own design, colors and theme (Type A Personality), I need a 2nd opinion or rather another person who is just as involved in this wedding as I am, to agree with me.

In everything.

2011-02-14T02:38:00.002+08:00

The awaited reply from the coveted wedding decor experts was received with mixed apprehension. I've expected an exorbitant price tag but reality exceeds expectation and I am losing sleep over this.

I want it soooo bad.

2011-02-11T19:01:00.003+08:00

I don't hate flowers. I just don't like what they represent. I may be going out on a limb here but to me flowers represents the antidote to all the wrong things a man could do. Like flowers can make a man's infidelity be A-OK. Or receiving flowers infront of a crowd can suddenly make you less of a loser. Flowers are just Flowers. There is no magic to it.

And if I could just view flowers as visual aesthetics, these may make an appearance at my wedding:

Credits: http://www.redpetalswithlove.wordpress.com/ http://www.bakati.com/

A sudden desire for all things nude.

2011-02-11T02:39:00.003+08:00

A little less scary than a Wedding.

2011-02-11T01:56:00.003+08:00

I have never wanted an engagement party. I have considered us to be engaged the day I said Yes to his proposal. But in a bid to strengthen the ties between our families (same region, different countries), we have decided to have one, for tradition's sake. So here I am, less than 3 months away from my engagement party. If planning this engagement party is of any minor representation of how planning a wedding would be like, I opt for elopement.

For a rather private engagement affair, I deem these etheral creations, from Msia's Rizalman Ibrahim, fit.

A sign?

2011-02-11T00:15:00.003+08:00

Oh and as if this was a sign from above, the Fort Canning Gallery will not be available for rental after June 2012.

So... Garden Wedding it is!

For now.

So beautiful it hurts.

2011-02-10T23:56:00.007+08:00

My biggest gripe about having an outdoor wedding is of course the weather. And seeing how I am not a big fan of flowers either, I am pretty much leaning towards the idea of an indoor wedding. But this... this beautiful madness swayed me. Feast your eyes.

Credits: The Wedding Chateau (www.figstreet.blogspot.com)

Wedding Talks

2011-02-10T01:17:00.010+08:00

1001 things on my to do list. So first step of many is to book a venue. Had my eyes set on Piai Plaza @ Pasir Ris Park and Fort Canning Gallery. One of the (many) problems about these places are the lack amenities i.e. cleaning area, no open flame etc etc.

But the heart wants what the heart wants.

So the seemingly easiest decision would be picking either an indoor or an outdoor wedding. Seemingly easy, unfathomably hard. I suppose, it would be a million times easier to decide if I did not live in a country where rain and shine is as about as unpredictable as my period.

Decor company I spoke to earlier quoted me the price of my 1st born for an all covered garden wedding. But should I want extra tentage, it will cost me the price of One Husband. (Which kinda beats the purpose since this whole frenzy started so that I could gain one Husband.)

Undecided, I still am.

Hello, again.

2011-02-08T03:24:00.002+08:00

It has been awhile. Nothing's change. Well, nothing much except that, I am engaged now. (!!!) To one of my kind. Which translates to say he is just as insane as me and we both think it is practical to human name our shoes.

Oh and wedding prep updates from here on. That's 2 years of pure bull writtings in here. Go save yourselves.

2010-05-11T06:52:00.001+08:00

If on one hand you have a man you would throw yourself in front of a bus for despite being positively sure he will never do the same for you and on the other hand you have a man who would take a bullet for you but yet you know you can never do the same for him. So what would you choose? Be hit by a bus for someone you love or see a man who loves you gets shot?

You can't have one without the other

2010-04-12T01:00:00.002+08:00

Adam & Eve
Romeo & Juliet
Bonnie & Clyde
Fred & Wilma
Tarzan & Jane
Samson & Delilah
Barbie & Ken
Homer & Marge
Elizabeth Bennet & Mr Darcy
Carrie Bradshaw & Mr Big
Lois Lane & her Superman

And then there's...

Me & You.

2010-04-03T03:53:00.003+08:00

I knew I love him the moment I chose to disregard the nagging suspicion I have about his questionable faithfulness in our relationship. I am in possession of every possible means of uncovering, if I wanted to, but truth be told, I didn't think it would make much of a difference. Cause he can love another if he must and life shall still be as if he hadn't. But the world "would turn to a mighty stranger" (Wuthering Heights) if he ever falls out of love with me.

I have lived a quarter of a century thinking love have got to make more sense than this. But what I know now, are things I already knew then.

2009-08-20T04:37:00.001+08:00

When the tiny voice in the back of your head starts asking you to feel things you should never even began to think to have, the only option left is to RUN. But since the office isn’t that big a place to begin with (500m away from the sea), I shall pretend that there are no bigger issues at hand other than my temporary insanity that may have deactivated my mind for a little longer more than just a “second”.

Yes, I like you. A little more than I should. So there.

Croquembouche

2009-04-04T01:15:00.002+08:00

I can never bring myself to eat something I can't quite pronounce without a second hesitation. It was too pretty to eat, anyway.

Credits: The Patissier

Secret superhero fantasy part deux

2009-04-02T09:18:00.002+08:00

Credits: Here

2009-04-02T09:02:00.002+08:00

I have always wanted bookshelves that run along the entire wall from the ceiling to the floor. And on the 5th shelf on the 3rd column from right, there will be a book. Pull the book out slightly and a sliding wall gives way to a secret door leading to my secret world.

And I shall reveal, no more.

Photo credits: Here

Take a step, inside my head

2009-04-02T08:29:00.003+08:00

Credits: Sera of London

I want happy hues

2009-03-26T05:22:00.003+08:00

Last year on my 23rd birthday, I bought a coloring book and a set of color pencils. It was right after dinner with friends and when they asked what I wanna do next, I said I wanna visit a bookstore. As opposed to a club (which many was hoping I would say) or something spontaneous like driving up north to the neighbouring state (which I may have dropped the wrong hints earlier & friends came with passports stashed in the gloves compartment of their rides) or checked in a swanky hotel pre-booked by my friends (which was what we did for my 22nd). But a bookstore, I insisted and they relented.

Back home, I got started on my first coloring piece. It was a picture of a boy and a girl sitting on a fence facing a garden. I started by coloring the sky blue and then contemplated on drawing a bright yellow sun. But then I decided not to and overlapped the blue sky with a shade of black. Then I added few drops of rain and tears on the children's face. I began to fill in the rest of the colors. A dark brown and navy blue dress for the girl and a black tee & jeans for the boy. The flowers in the garden- they are either red petals with green stalk or yellow petals with green stalks. The grass is green and nothing I colored was out of the line boundaries. It was just that 1 picture I colored. The whole set of coloring tools were given to a friend's daughter few weeks after when she came to visit.

Almost a year later, I got a peek from the forgotten coloring book. Its pages was filled with bright vibrant colors and happy hues. In all pictures the sky is blue, the sun is yellow and nothing was colored within boundaries. A stark contrast to the 1st picture I colored. There were purple, orange, pink and green flowers. There were mismatched dresses in bright flamboyant colors. Hair that was pink on page 3 & 6, purple on page 8 and gold on page 11. Grass that turned from green on page 4 to red on page 12 to blue on page 10. There were birds with purple wings and golden beaks. It was an absolute delight to see multi colored houses with tri-colored doors.

I must have been that way once a long time ago. Where my sky is always blue, the grass doesn’t have to always be green and if I want the birds to have pink wings, blue beak and purple feet, I'll get that bird. And also, not everything has to be kept within the lines. Sometimes you may just have to cross it to know what's good on the other side.

2009-03-19T04:48:00.002+08:00

Jumped onto the bandwagon, I have. I think Twitter will be my new excuse for not updating. Shift eyes slightly to the right. You'll find me there :p

2009-03-03T02:56:00.002+08:00

I think I fucking like you more than I fucking care to admit.

An ever after?

2009-02-20T02:50:00.000+08:00

At this exact moment, I imagined saying yes. Then I saw my life with you. The messy house we might own. The messy car that might be the triggering factor for most of our fights. And in the same car where we will do more than just a kiss to make up. (More being you giving me full ownership of the car on weekends. And then some.)

Then I envision seeing you on most mornings to come and I quietly ponder to myself, wouldn’t I want to wake up alone again like I used to and embrace the greatness of solitude, in which I have always relish.

But when I visualized you next to me on our messy bed and I’m lying there knowing very much that our cat is again peeing on the carpet, I felt relief flooding over me. I realized I won’t need to wash that carpet alone or even at all. You are there. For better and, if I dare hope, for far worse scenarios than just a pee-drenched carpet.

Before I hit the bed tonight, I think I am quite alright with the picture painted.

2009-02-05T04:13:00.001+08:00

Dear friends, all forms of socializing that may result in the use of plastic being swiped and my trembling hands forming an illegible scrawl, otherwise known as my signature, on a piece of seemingly innocent (God damn it they’re not) piece of paper, otherwise known as a receipt, will have to take a backseat for now as I attempt to rid myself of all forms of debt i.e. educational, car, credit etc in the next 6 months. Hence, by having it on black and white and publishing it on the World Wide Web (not a very wise move, I just realized, a little too late) I will, as humanely possible, try to avoid any unnecessary purchases till the above objective is met.

Prayers will be very much appreciated and any doubts of my achieving the above mission will be promptly disregarded with my Jimmy Choo’s inspired heels on your arse. (These heels may not be as comfortable as the real ones, but put them next to the real deal, you hardly see the difference. Except that the label on the insides read, “Jimmus Choos”.)

And now my bitter hands...

2009-02-01T01:08:00.000+08:00

Was spring cleaning the hard disk and I came across a forgotten track. I remembered the road trip I took with a friend while the sheer loudness and astound music of this track vibrated the windows in the car. We were silent for the next 6 minutes as we listen to Vedder melodiously displaying his god damn amazing raw emotions on his sleeves. I remembered thinking then, only a broken heart could write lyrics as such. And today, I stand by my words.

I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life
I know you’ll be a sun in somebody else’s sky.
But why, why, why can’t it be, why can’t it be, mine?
(Black, Pearl Jam)

No, I do not have a broken heart. Mine is never in place long enough for anyone to shatter.

No one, except me, that is.

Cheers!

2008-12-19T03:22:00.004+08:00

An update to remind myself that despite the ugly ugly people infesting my life today, the son-of-a-gun whose anatomies, mainly the penis and the brain, have switched places, the ipod that harakiri-ed on me, the mugful of coffee that has to be at the exact place where I would normally flung an A4 ring file at and a body system that just cannot do without the said coffee, today has been a pleasant day.

Despite everything. In spite of everything.

2008-12-18T12:58:00.002+08:00

I have not ran in a week. The weather? I blame the weather. Definitely. This monsoon season is messing with my head. Despite the thick comforters on my bed, I lay awake underneath thinking there is still a large part of me that's cold.

2008-12-18T12:54:00.003+08:00

When I said I didn't care, somehow I wish I really don't. But who are we trying to kid here.

2008-12-10T03:16:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I think I can never be part of a pair again. Other times I think, you and me, we make a fine team.

In the words of Adam Sandler, "You could be opening up a can of whoop-ass!"

2008-11-30T18:51:00.005+08:00

There is a reason why some people in my past did not make it to the present. I need to try and remember that while I forget your question.

Nobody fancies an open can of worms.

2008-11-28T02:19:00.001+08:00

I think of all the lies you’ve ever told, that line you said at Gloria Jeans, you know, the one where you actually looked right through me and lied, rather effortlessly over coffee. That is STILL my favourite.

U got me there.

Onto the road less-travelled.

2008-11-27T02:18:00.006+08:00

Thunderstorm outside my window makes me crave for a sunnier, warmer climate. On a crazy instance, I just booked a round ticket to Ho Chi Minh City for Feb. I miss travelling solo and come Feb, I think I’ll be on the streets of Ho Chi Minh drinking Vietnamese coffee. Alone. I wonder if they have Equal sugar there.

PS: The good people at Jet Star Asia are dangling their outrageously low air fares in my face. And now I am contemplating Medan in Mar, Denpasar in July and Phnom Penh in Aug. Now tell me, what are the possibilities of getting an extra 2 month’s bonus by the kind, kind people at Public Service Division (PSD) for xmas? And maybe as an act of goodwill those beautiful and amazing people up there at PSD might want to consider increasing my annual leave to say, 45 days? :p

Addendum: As soon as I hit Publish, I realized my MBA programme rear its ugly busy head in Mar and hence it only means that the closest I'll ever get to Indonesia is Batam and the closest I'll get to Phnom Penh? That cute drink seller at work who hails from humble Kampuchea.

PPS: In the world of borderless and limitless information, I just found out that a 9-hours bus ride from Ho Chi Minh City to Phnom Penh cost less than the price of a decent pair of t-shirt bra. Cambodia, I'll see you this Feb.

"She looks like the real thing. She tastes like the real thing. My fake plastic love." (Radiohead)

2008-11-27T00:22:00.002+08:00

I think it is time to get back to the basics and remember that square pegs and round holes, they don’t fit. The only way to make it fit is by cutting corners which will then result in one piece being significantly smaller than the other. By then, of course, it is no longer equal.

No wait, I think I knew that already. And I think I have already dispensed that advice to some of my rather discerning albeit unsuspecting girlfriends. So why again do I need HBO’s infamous movie re-runs to remind me of things that I am supposedly already a genius at? And why do every single god damn bloody thing be so uncannily memorable to that one-shot-in-the-dark-chance-at l-o-v-e, which may I again remind myself, it was a possibility I refuse to acknowledge.

A possibility... possibilities.... was there ever?

And you give yourself away

2008-11-18T17:59:00.001+08:00

As I complete the rituals of putting an end to yet another episode in matters pertaining directly to that beat box on left side of the chest, I realized no 2 experience was ever the same. Sure the similarities uncanny. The beginning seems scripted and edited by the same asswipe whom I must’ve owed a finger and a tooth to, in my previous incarnations as anything resembling human. But it is where the full stop lands that segregates each instalment. It is the most-times painful au revoir and “wishing you success in all your undertakings” that uniquely delivers the lesson and message each relationship entails. No 2 men are alike. No 2 love are comparable. And no 2 goodbyes are identical.

Cause closures do not, at all times, signify an ending. It might just be the start.

With or without you

2008-11-18T04:09:00.001+08:00

On a bed of nails, he makes me wait.

"Now remember, I do my best work when I'm being worshiped as a god." - Johnny Bravo

2008-11-08T23:55:00.004+08:00

The opposite of love is... when he calls, you choose to continue watching Johnny Bravo.

Till it cracks

2008-10-30T10:36:00.000+08:00

I am a human standing, no I ain’t hiding, behind a clear glass. You can see everything of me. Yes, my flaws are somewhat magnified. And yes, my derrière and my ego is THAT huge. What did u say again? A pimple on my nose? I have another one on my chin and no I’m not covering that up. And yes, I have got no tact. I’ve a whole lot of love for androids with functioning beat box. I entertain the strangest idea and sometime mulled over the most ridiculous thoughts. But that only gave me moments of laughing out loud at mostly myself. I bend and break at corners I failed to steer. I am fully emptied. Only to be filled to the brim over and over again with the most frivolous things. Cause life’s too serious and I favour Tom and Jerry over the BBC news. I’ve flushed my pride down the drain countless times only to have it back again by a stranger who would 1st fall deeply in love with my guts then wished I had none at all.

I am transparent. You could zoom 10X my flaws, scrutinize my decisions and you may even think you know me so well that you could break me.

But my dear earthling, remember the clear glass that separates me from humankind? U can’t touch me.

2008-06-06T15:40:00.002+08:00

So how do you get that something you want and can have but not deserve?

When enough, is really enough.

2008-05-24T17:12:00.002+08:00

And then I suddenly wonder how it feels to allow a stranger (no better than the previous ones) into your life so deep, you involuntarily gave him the possession of your soul, along with your heart.

And when he leaves, he'll return you everything including the remnants of your heart as a memorable souvenir. Everything is yours again. Till you realized...

Its your soul he keeps.

At least till as long as you allow him to.

2008-03-18T03:13:00.001+08:00

I.Need.To.Breath.

Love hurts. But sometimes its a good hurt.

2008-03-04T16:48:00.000+08:00

Certain songs in my head are eternally connected to a single moment. One of which would be Coldplay’s Clocks. There’s nothing to the lyrics or the melody. It was just that moment I had. A good 4 years ago.

Ps:
Note to self.

Dear (my name),
For the love of God, get over it already woman! If 3 days was all it takes to build Rome, the world could have been built and rebuilt a hundred times over in 4 years.

2008-02-25T12:31:00.002+08:00

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

My 2 cents.

2008-02-19T16:59:00.000+08:00

A 15 minute conversation over breakkie with a stranger who, unfortunately, holds a huge personal disdain for me and my breed, felt somewhat nostalgic. And if I dare say, amusing. It was like playing golf underwater. With one hysterical clown who drinks on the job. Ok wait. How was this nostalgic? Oh yeah. Bipedal primates fighting for survival. Except in this case, the fight was uncontested cause we were too busy waiting for damn River Island to slash their price tags to actual one digit prices. And more importantly, the main star of the day was sane (and possesses the patience of Ghandi) enough to favour donuts over bitter ex gf and did every1 the favour by cutting the line short.

Again the question, why fight over a dick when you can have the remote control to yourself?

Over futile odds

2008-02-19T12:56:00.002+08:00

Tho' I battled blind,
Love is a fate resigned
Memories mar my mind,
Love it is a fate resigned

-Love is a losing game, Amy Winehouse-

2008-02-10T16:50:00.001+08:00

At the top of my head I could’ve easily told you how many days make up 4 years. Hell, I even know how many hours there were. But ask me, “How many times have I thought about u in that damn 4 years?”

I wouldn’t know where to start.

Steady hands just take the wheel.

2008-02-10T16:41:00.000+08:00

Granted being friends ain’t easy. But I suppose having an intense history together and witnessing several milestones warrants me, at the very least, an acknowledgement for my efforts.

Then the age-old question: Who am I to ask?

You would rather a lobotomy than this.

Sleep Through The Static

2008-02-06T16:21:00.000+08:00

“If I had eyes in the back of my head, I would’ve told you that you looked good as I walked away.”

-Jack Johnson, If I had eyes-

Fix me

2008-01-31T17:30:00.001+08:00

Now I wonder Riz, what could we have done, together, in 4 years? Cause I already knew what we did, separately, for 4 years.

2008-01-31T17:28:00.000+08:00

When they said time heals all wounds, did “time” meant a decade?
I am not healed.

But when the sanest person stands next to group lunatics, he’s Mr Insane.

Man-eater

2008-01-30T23:12:00.001+08:00

To be your supportive friend under such circumstances? I’d rather you grind my brain.

What gives?

2008-01-30T23:04:00.000+08:00

I missed you Riz. But why?

Then comes the real question, what do I really want? If it’s just for now, I want my throat to heal. Pronto.

I’ll decide later what I want from life since it is not my place to ask for anything from you.

At peace. Sort of.

2008-01-28T04:16:00.000+08:00

Maiden attempt to be a domestic goddess was not too disastrous. I managed brownies, muffins and various versions of fish and chips without any fire engine or ambulance at my doorstep. And as much as I love being on sabbatical for the past 10 days, I could almost hear my pencils at work calling me home. Yes, work is home.

On a less pathetic note, leaving the borders was fruitful. I came back with seemingly permanent insomnia despite going cold turkey off coffee the entire week. There wasn’t anything bad about the trip, really. It was more of coming home from the trip. I kind of figured that being in foreign land would make it harder for a certain Mr. UOB or Mr. Citibank to reach me. Ok I’m dramatizing this. There is nothing red on the financial front. My savings took a deep dive and it is unlikely to come up for air. Not now, at least. This would be my cue for the impending salary revision. Make it happen, dammit.

It is almost noon and I haven’t had any sleep since the night before. I must be that psyched to get back to work. Wow.

Sullied, I am not.

2007-11-07T17:59:00.001+08:00

There are sad bastards roaming this Earth whose primary purpose of living is to make other’s existence a nature’s joke. I encountered one of such yesterday. This brings me back to the time when I first don the uniform, close to 3 years ago. I drew a line that separates my emotions and logic. It was a line that saved me thousands of chances for uproars of hysterics and kept me sane. Practically, it saved me a lot of trouble too.

That is, if I learn to be a silent, suffering punching bag and still be able to smile at the fist that punches me.

But last night, while on duty, this veneer cracked. Though I do not regret a single verbal dagger I’ve treacherously thrown to your face, you stupid cow, I am penitent that I’ve crossed the boundary I painstakingly position and upkeep for the entire length of my career. Up till last night, I never knew what it was like to want something so bad that the entire body begins to shiver, knuckles turned white and an overwhelming feeling of acute revulsion for a fellow human being I never knew being as close to me like a 2nd breath I rather not take and suffocate. I want you and your likes dead, you sick, pathetic, degraded scum.

At this point, I am not okay.

But I will be.

Housekeeping!

2007-11-02T14:22:00.000+08:00

Year end. Time to housekeep on admin issues which I've swept under the carpet since the start of the year.

1. Last year's leave balance (2 days) - Cleared!

2. This year's leave balance - 14 days (Untouched!)

3. Time off balance - 28 hours (abt 4 days)

I have a shopping trip with mum to Bangkok in Jan 08 and a short gastronomic trip across the causeway to KL with Tini right after. Clearly I can afford the time. (Ok even if I can't, I'll beg!)

Now, do I have enough greens to leave the borders....? Hmmm... Ok review.

1. Accumulated expenses thruout Eid (& uncontrollable spending spasms) offset by means of plastic (my line of credit - the men don't get it. Thank u UOB!!) - Paid! (Phew.)

2. The rumoured salary increase - Make it happen, dammit!!

3. The YEAR -END Bonus - This better be good. Else I'll leave the civil service n set up my own Starbucks!

4. Outstanding loans - Education loan reaching maturity < 1 Year. (We're almost there!)

5. Marriage funds? - Ok let's not go there.

Leave, checked! Moolah.... well... err... Checked! Ok now let's pack!

I'm kidding. It's only November.

I've packed in June.

2007-10-21T19:13:00.000+08:00

Ok, so I've missed you more than I allow myself to. But I still have my head up on my shoulders. No worries.

Is this the last of me?

2007-09-26T21:52:00.001+08:00

I haven’t been writing much, I know. To blame it all on work and time constrains would be a lil bit too indulgent since I suspect my boss reads my blog sometimes. Thing is, I’ve mused closing down this blog for good but then again I do occasionally gets an irrepressible itch to pen one-liners that no one, at times myself, can’t comprehend. Or destructive pieces that would make my offspring believe mummy blogs from an asylum.

Truth be told, I do not have an excuse and somehow I feel I don’t need one. It is back to the basics for me: I write when I feel like writing. Or when I’m hit by a sudden brainwave and have the need to impress some fucktard. But that don’t normally happen.

Cause I’m the only existing fucktard around. (Or do you beg to differ? )

Hence, do not expect much from this humble space of mine. In fact, have no expectations at all! I might cease to exist or maybe..... I might still be around someday. Gd Day!

Random

2007-09-09T01:33:00.000+08:00

I am sick. It is about time. And today I realized, on top of my highly adverse reaction to dust, I am allergic to congregation that does not centre on me. But nonetheless, I love my bro. Happy engagement.

On another note, my man turned a year older today. I have hot choc sauce, a bath tub and an empty room. My possibilities are endless. Still... happy birthday love!

Makes u wanna reach for that remote control and be thankful there's no one u need to share it with

2007-08-27T14:20:00.000+08:00

Why girls fight over men, I’ve always wondered. Given half a choice, I’d rather fight for the remote control at any given time. Unlike men, the remote abides by your pressing. U just got to push the right buttons. With men, there aren’t any buttons. They got switches. You either turn them on or off. (But of course they are adorable.)

Now back to my point, a wisecrack once said no worthy man is worth the fight. Speaking with the advantage of hindsight, I’d advocate that. Cause u see, months ago I got involved with someone from work. Unbeknownst to me, a relatively new colleague shared the common interest. Apparently, my then philandering man made his maiden move on her. For some reasons I did not want to know why, he retreated and well... you know the rest.

In the short months when he and I were seeing each other, I encountered loud snide remarks on the elevator and awkward scrutinizing moments from the jilted one (I honestly thought I had lipstick on my teeth when she intently stared at me one morning). What probably angered her more was my blasé reaction towards this whole dramedy . In all honesty, I thought this whole episode was pretty insignificant. Granted there are moments where I envisioned kicking her sizeable trunk but on most days, the matter was rather inconsequential.

To cut the chase, I decided not to be an idiot anymore and chose to end the relationship in the most civil manner known to mankind (she was not a deciding factor in the decision btw). She finally got her coveted man and the last I heard, he dumped her for another. This is no surprise but recently as I watched her scrambling around picking up the pieces of her broken pride, I felt a wave of sympathy. Call it a women’s instinct to stick up for the poor, torn and jaded or whatever you want but a part of me wanted to give her a hug and some strength. But then again...

Who the hell gives a damn.

When I want to, where I want to.

2007-08-19T19:37:00.000+08:00

Rough week. God’s way of reminding me that I’m no super hero so pls do not even think of attempting to jump off from the 7th storey locker room. Note to self: I can’t fly. It would be a miracle if I even have time to breath, much less fly. Albeit the crazy madcap race that got me breathing thru my scalp, I am sated. This will reward me. Oh yes it will. I am a hair’s breadth away.

PS: To the bed I’ve been avoiding all week, see ya this weekend. Keep it comfy pls.

This is long overdue

2007-08-19T19:31:00.001+08:00

To you, ass-wipe,

I am tired of ur endless display of desperation because I am swarmed with work (I would equate irregular sleeping hours with a baseball bat up ur ass if u so much as scream my name ONE MORE TIME when I’m at work), my studies (I’m just a hair’s breadth away from completion), my significant other (my cape crusader and the epitome of everything patient) and my life.

As of 7 months ago,I am no longer able to command the sun and the moon for you cause I much rather the world revolves around me and people who matters. Hence, to curb ur constant uproars of hysterics and crazy exhibits, may I suggest u see a psychologist, increase ur Prozac dosage and start pulling ur head out of ur ass now. ( Oh n u can also stop kissing my ass no matter how necessary it seems for u to do so at times.)

And if it bothers you now that my life, even with its glitches and fault, is near perfect, then please remove ur gun from the holster, point it to ur chest (cos ur brain is too small to be an appropriate target) and squeeze trigger once.

Cheers.

PS: 7 months is too long a time for you to be bitter, mister DIVORCED (??). Get over it already.

Its my party and I cry if I want to

2007-08-15T01:00:00.000+08:00

I wish for the optimism and exuberance of a 2 year old child to help me through these trying times. No I’m not fired. My love life is at its optimal peak and the financial sectors have yet to see anything red (thank heavens!).

I just had a birthday. That’s all.

2007-07-29T04:30:00.000+08:00

I've learned that even with the highest standard of education and the most exorbitant price of a car, one can never buy a set of social grace. But then again, it takes a complete idiot to not know that already.

Blither Blither Blither

2007-07-10T12:12:00.000+08:00

Time has a sneaky way in making you forget the reasons and causes of a failed relationship.

Suddenly, I am an idiot once again.

"Shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice."

2007-05-12T00:30:00.000+08:00

What made me so bitter?

The last glance

2007-05-09T22:24:00.000+08:00

I kissed the boy today as he left for work. No it wasn't our first kiss. The 1st kiss was somehow not as magical as this one. I supposed a kiss, or a hug or anything for that matter, becomes memorable and extraordinary when it is the last.

Like that kiss we had.

Was it meant to be this easy?

2007-04-21T17:22:00.000+08:00

Ur a godsend. Gracias.

2007-04-08T09:12:00.001+08:00

Pieces don't fit anymore - James Morrison

Repeat

2007-04-01T02:44:00.000+08:00

Again I reiterate for the benefit of no other than myself.

There isn't a need to question but embrace.

I wish you were a stranger I could disengage

2007-03-26T16:41:00.001+08:00

If I’m honest, really gut-wrenching honest, I would say, in the most humanely way possible, I like you too.

But I choose to lie.

This is beautiful

2007-03-20T16:15:00.000+08:00

It takes a thought to make a word
And it takes some words to make an action
And it takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction.

-Jason Mraz, Life is Wonderful-

Larger than life.

2007-03-18T02:01:00.000+08:00

I have failed to see your flaws that were screaming in my face. My bad.

Don't be sorry. Cause I am not.

Perhaps the ans is in the qn. No?

2007-03-15T13:17:00.000+08:00

Same reason why you do not question the need to be owned.

On a scale of one to God-dammit! toothache is 11.

2007-03-15T12:18:00.000+08:00

My work avoidance strategy for the next 3 days or so was to purchase catch-22 and re-read them backwards. Ok, maybe not backwards but re-read them aloud to my toes. Yossarian better make this worthwhile again. I foresee crazy stockpiling of strepsils and lozenges. And I’m only at preface.

On another note, the throbbing pain on my gums give me the urge to slit my wrist with a spoon, scoop out my veins and slurp it down like I would pasta. Sadist, I am. It.hurts.that.bad. (For all the times I overindulge in sweets and it’s-too-late-at-night-and-too-tired-to-brush-my-teeth excuses, I’m paying for it now.)

The only anesthetically effect I get these days is the fact that I don’t see you as often as I did. It’s the little things as such that makes life worth living all over again.

2007-03-15T02:00:00.000+08:00

Truth is, everyone has the right to bleed. Including me.

A mouthful.

2007-03-15T01:52:00.000+08:00

I want you to want me when I don't need you.

No really. Try harder.

2007-03-12T15:56:00.000+08:00

This is going to be a fabulous month. If not, year. Just yesterday I've realized how much I love my job. It's mutual.

In the course of duty, I've been screamed, shouted and abused to a point that when all is well (Read: Not a single soul stretching his/her vocal chords on me), I get withdrawal symptoms.

For bestowing me the ability to be indifferent even to the nastiest fucktard, I worship my job.

(I'm not a very good liar, am I)

Again.

2007-03-11T18:21:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I break, just so I could mend.

Let's!

2007-03-10T18:37:00.000+08:00

Let's see what 2 years and a half, a new career and a less-functioning brain could do to a quiz I did in 2004.

I-have-too-much-time-on-my-hands-quiz Ver 2007

1. Sex: It’s over rated

2. Location now : Home. (Where the heart is)
3. Do you wish on stars?: Yes, when all else fails.
4. Which finger is your favorite?: Still the index. Or when there’s a need, the middle.

5. When did you last cry?: Just. I was tweezing my eyebrows.
6. Do you like your handwriting?: I'm undecided.
7. What is your favorite lunch meat?: Roasted annoying boss on platter with dressing on the side.
8. Any bad habits?: Firing uproars of hysterics on my dolls. And neighbors sometimes. (They love me still.)
9. What is your most embarrassing CD on the shelf?: None. I love it all.
10. Are you a daredevil?: You wouldn’t wanna know

11. Told a secret you swore not to?: Neverrrr. I write it for everyone else to read instead.

12. Do looks matter?: yes. Have you ever seen a cow on Gucci's runway? No? Exactly.
13. Have you ever misused a word and it sounded absolutely stupid?: Just. The word ‘Cow’. People have every right to be ugly.
14. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?: In this day and age, I can believe anything.
15. Do fish have feelings?: I don't want to know this. I eat fish.
16. Are you trendy?: I’m indifferent.
17. How do you release anger?: Watering my neighbor’s plant with Snapple.
18. Where are your second homes?: Under my bed.
19. Do you trust others easily?: Not even myself. But just last week, my 10 years old niece told me that a frog spoke to her during class. I totally believed that. (Cause her teacher resembles one)
20. What was your favorite toy as a child?: Matches, candles and flame. (I STILL am a hazard.)
21.What class in school do you think is totally useless?: Chemistry
22. Have you ever been on radio or television?: only in my head.
23. Do you have a journal?: Is this one?
24. Do you use sarcasm a lot?: Not a lot. Just all the time.
25 Have you ever been in a mosh pit?: nope
26. What do you look for in a guy/girl?: an eye bat
27. Your nickname?: The gorgeous one
28. Would you bungee?: I did.
29. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?: No. I have a throng of hot blue-eyed Brits taking my laces off for me.
30. What are you worried about right now?: The extra flabs on my arse. My pending results.
31. Do you ever wear a g-string?: Do you really wanna know?
32. Do you think that you are strong?: I carry my weight. Everyday.
33. What's your favorite color?: Red
34. What is your least fav. thing in the world?: Misplaced ego.
35. How many wisdom teeth do you have?: Plenty. Sprouting from my pretty ass.
36. Are you in love w/ anyone?: Perhaps.
37. How many people have a crush on you right now?: The last I heard, a truckload.
38. How many people do you have a crush on right now?: The last I checked, none. (Or maybe just one)
39. Who do you miss most right now?: The departed ones.

2007-03-10T17:42:00.000+08:00

As requested.

Things I can never have enough of: (Not in order of importance)

Books
Body lotion
Bags
Shampoo
Apples
Toothpaste
Potpourris
Frames
Perfumes
Body Spray
Tee shirts
Shoes
Music
Laughter
Conversations
Tears
Oxygen
Socks
Storage space in my Ipod
Butter
Pens and Pencils
Red ‘anything’

(To be continued when I care to add more)

Ps: I can never quite grasp the blogging culture. Hence, in a bid to blend in with the rest of the world, I'll begin to include pictures of the company I was with, the food I ate, the contents in my handbag (my, that would've been embarrassing) and a naked me with a blue-eyed Brit on bed.

I'm kidding. I don't carry a handbag.

Now where was I?

2007-03-10T17:06:00.000+08:00

I intend to shut off my mind for the entire day today and make do with just my toes to think. But then again, I have a thesis pending completion, a 10 hours night shift and an empty stomach to fill.

By default, I am a productive person. Who else you knew could, despite having less then 8 hours of sleep in a Week, spend an hour thinking of life's mysteries. Like why Days of Our Lives is not being shown on the telly anymore (atleast not on my side of the Earth). Ok shoot me. Google could've answered my questions.

Back to the point.... err... what's my point again?

2007-03-10T16:01:00.000+08:00

Find comfort in pain; All pleasure's the same.

-James Blunt, Tears and Rain-

2007-03-10T00:07:00.000+08:00

For no reason other than I-know-better, I've been civil and playing it down. Don't push it.

Bra-burning feminist

2007-03-10T00:03:00.000+08:00

If being born with a penis gives one the ultimate birthright to be a jerk, then dear God, in my next life I want one of those too. Granted, in many proven occasions you do not need a dick to enchant somebody so greatly that he/she gives up his/her 10 years habit of teeth grinding and then you promptly leaves him/her when you just think its time (one of the important criteria in being a jerk). Having a trunk (or a stick, whatever the size) hanging in between your legs can make you do all that and so much more sans guilt!

I envy the Martians. I really do.

I seek manna from the One above

2007-03-07T17:03:00.000+08:00

Months ago, I would've traded in my firstborn for an afternoon of leisure. Sans boss, deadlines and any other human contact. But since I was never a mother to begin with and I really would like to think that I am indispensable at work, becoming a public-summoned slave became second nature to me. (1st nature is to be a brute. That, I've mastered.)

Fast forward many days later when I found myself at home on my off day with just about nothing to do and no one to talk to. I hungered for the laughter of my best friends, the touch of my mum and the warmth of a hug from one who matters. All of whom I've turned my back on once too many times.

If there's anything to regret, then this is it.

I don't even feel the distance

2007-03-07T01:31:00.000+08:00

Perhaps for all the wrong reasons and reasons I can never fathom, I’ve loved. Nothing dramatic ensues. It was, by any degree, a predictable ending. Short of a bruised ego and a shattered esteem, I must say that I am a lot more complete than I’ve ever been before. Not quite nirvana, but close.

100 days of wasted time, I attempt redemption by seeking respite from the omniscient one. But since the once-desired is still hair’s breadth away, I’ll trade my bullets for a voodoo doll.

‘Cause what other diplomatic ways are there to say goodbye?